torn

discovered Art House today.
yesh i'm such an ignorant newb -,-'"
my friend was performing at earshot cafe sat evening, so i dropped by to lend my support, and to enjoy an evening. and enjoy i did ^_^
i'm a fan of Imperfect Original (ImO) =D well, that's my friend's band, so if you get wind of that name, recall this post: that i like their music, and it's worth your time to drop by and listen :)
i went there alone. my friend had her friends, her band member had her friends, but i was alone. was nice. juz chilling. i should do that more often.
it's silly i noe, but the reason for the title of this post is that i'm living a contradiction. i want to be alone, but i want to be alone WITH somebody. silly huh? yeah.. i'm a living contradiction.
went shopping at kino today too after the evening's performance was done. remembered now y i love bookstores like page one and kino, and remembered that i still hate crowds. yeah. bookstores like those are paradise.

so. back to being torn. oh wait, i DID buy stuff from kino btw :) ok out of point. i'm neither a genius nor an idiot. i'm neither a loner or a socialite. i'm neither shy nor bold. i'm neither meticulous nor reckless. i'm.. torn? (no reference to "lying naked on the floor" as was in the lyrics of Torn by Natalie Imbruglia =p)
and in being torn, i find myself an individual, all alone, without a captain (nor needing one), without a partner. yes i'm jealous, and yet nonchalent, about others finding their other half. maybe i'm resigned to never finding one. i've never really been able to find anyone who consistently connects with me on any level beyond superficiality.
like i said, i'm a chameleon. if i can barely find myself, how can i find someone who'd wanna be my companion through life? it'd boogles the mind..

heck. lets talk about something random. lets review a few age-old sayings, and how they make sense in the modern world. lets start with the following train of thought:
"The intellectual world today can be divided into the following 2 schools of thought; 1) the Arts 2) Science. Neither field is independent of one another, with overlapping areas, grey/blind spots, and some topics of discussion which transcends the a/m division."
By Art, I refer to mediums of rationalisation like religion and philosophy, and Science, mathematics, logic, physics and such others.
If you still follow my train of thought, let me delve deeper, but not by much =p The difference between the 2 schools is: The Arts asks questions, and in return, poses more questions. Science asks questions, seeks answers, which in return sprouts more questions. In summary, both schools have a return of more questions, but Science gets the bonus of having answers too.

Now, what does this have to do with age-old sayings? the 1st i'd like to bring to attention is "ignorance is bliss". is it not true, that of the 2 schools, the Arts are stereotyped as being more fun, creative, even enjoyable, happy? do you not enjoy music? do you not seek a state of bliss in religion? on the contrary, Science, though possessing more knowledge than the Arts, isn't fairing better. and not just because it's stereotyped as dull. never boring, just dull.
in seeking answers, Science has neither quenched it's insatiable thirst for knowledge nor satisfy the hunger of human curiosity. which brings us to our 2nd saying.
"curiosity kills the cat".
funny, that with increasing knowledge and technology of the world around us, we're faced with the ever-increasing probability of human extinction, a dying earth, or at least, the death of the world as we know today. we're the cat, and curiosity will be the death of us.

so. what's the point in all this?
there isn't any really. i just think.. nah. no point thinking. *meow*

p.s. heck.. talk about torn. Silentstalkr's guild (the one i started) is Halfway House. HA. how apt for me, the guy who's always stuck in the middle.

When Angels sing...

ripped off from Leanna's recent post (sorry dear!) but this deserves a place on my blog. I mean.. I cried listening to her sing. It was simply breath-taking. awesome. supendous. incredible. and her age just tops it off like icing on the cake. 6yr old Connie. The world adores you. There's an innocence about you, a child's innocence, that can only be found in you, and a Gift, so angelic thy voice. i'm watching it again. i wanna hear her sing. all your troubles washed away with her song. yeah. that's how i'd describe it.

oh and, from leanna's post too, http://www.youtube.com/user/byronfgarcia. check out these vids, especially the "Thriller" vid. i dunno if i should be amazed, impressed, or.. well, see for yourself =)

Personality tests

This one is a color test. And I must say, I quite like this one. =)

Ambrose took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting n..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

i love love stories.
hey. i'm a libra. romance is my blessing, and my curse.
caught Breakfast at Tiffany's at the museum with a friend on friday night. was part of the 'Under the Banyan Tree' project.
it truly is a classic. i dunno, but good romance films are those that can hook me emotionally, and take me for a ride.
i won't mind watching it again =) that, and audrey hepburn's character is sooo lovable. you just.. wanna fall in love too, ya noe?
oh! and there's a really REALLY adorable cat (called Cat =p) too.. =,='"

Post #111

just tried guinness.
it tastes.. 酷。yeah i think that's the word.
not sure how strong it is, but definitely not a drink to enjoy.
i guess it IS a man's drink after all...
and i guess i'm not a man yet =p

- Ambrose
{Post #111 ends}

My affinity with pistols..

As of 22nd July, 2007, i'm back.
Passed my Air Pistol Proficiency course. I can now start practising again.
it's a weird feeling, after all these years.
it's a gentle reminder too, that the alluring factor of the sport never changes.
that the sport is a solo sport. it's just you, your weapon, and the target. nothing else matters.
over 64 shots, i averaged a 6.36. nice for a beginner, not good for me. hopefully i can improve to a high 7 and take part in a monthly shoot. but...
for now. work work =) or.. whatever stuff i have to do amidst gaming.
i've been blogging alot lately. and bumming too. then again, i've been doing the latter all my life =p

"thinking isn't healthy, if thinking is all you ever do." - amroui

signing off,
Ambrose

Back to Bowling!

woot!
i bowled again today.. for the FIRST time in... .... i actually lost count ROFL!
tried out my new set of balls! and my old bowling ball too..
I haven't lost my technique! i can still hook! and the hook is AWESOME!
LOVE the reaction of the new balls.. and impressed with the performance of my old darling =D
pity.. stamina lacking.. 2nd game tired le -,-'"
stopped after 3 games ROFL!
don't bother bout score. i'm just SOoooooooo excited i'm back to bowling! i LUUurrrrrvvvveeee the way my ball reacts on the lanes =D

k technicalities.
tried 5-5 line with Xcelerator. overhooked! hit 2-4 pocket ROFL. had to use 6.5-5 line, or somewhere around there =p also tried 11-10, mostly 1-2 pocket unless i apply more forward roll or hit oil patch -,-'" 10-10 still overhooks, sometimes smashing through headpin, leaving a split =( loved the line from mid lane. 16-13, or thereabouts. ball snapped back into 1-3 pocket with aplomb! bAm! awesome pin reaction! and.. i can leave pin10! $_$
my two new balls, Victim and Ultimate, both of the Inferno series. bought 2nd hand from friend ;) also have a white dot, but didn't bring out =p
Victim rocks for the outside line. flat 5-5 target with a strong backend reaction. like a homing missle straight into the 1-3 pocket. great PlanB ball ^^
Ultimate was AMAZING for inside line. i've never hooked that much before in a LONG time! 24-15 line. YES that big. (i think.. =p) sent out to bout board10 before Ultimate smashes into the headpin!
problem with the new balls is that the thumbholes are all too big. nice span tho. my friend's span and my are quite similar ^^
need some minor tweaking to my new equipments and i'm ready to rock and roll!

jio me for bowling! i need more practise! =D anytime anywhere!

p.s. subject to conditions stated in previous post. sorry if i sound harsh in previous post.
p.p.s. there is ONE friend who's immune to 'IT' list rating. shall not say, but she's the only person who i dare call a best friend, though we aren't that close now. also longest known friend (since primary school). well, one of ^^

Tired..

some things i just have to make clear.
if i ask you out, and you choose to accept, be happy, and be honored.
if you ask me out, and i choose to accept, be happy, and be honored.
if i reject you for whatsoever reason, do not doubt, do not suspect, do not fear, do not hate.

why can't i just choose NOT to go out?
is there something wrong with staying home?
since when was it a crime to enjoy family time, the tv, the comp, doing work, self improvement, leisure activities, AWAY from other people?
why should i account to others what i do?
i choose what to tell you, and you accept what you're told.
i try my best not to lie, and not to hide any truth if possible too. but if i feel uncomfortable saying some stuff, respect that.

if you're older than me, and you don't understand the meaning of respect and trust in a friendship, then you're a disappointment.
if it pleases people to say in jest hurting words with regards to the depth and extent of our friendship, then go ahead and have your fun while you're at it. just remember that everyone has their limits, and i'm not there for you all the time.

i promised to be available 24/7 via my h/p. sure i do miss calls, my phone batt do go dead sometimes, but i make a point to return as many calls as i can. i'm sorry if i'm not at your beck and call. i promised the a/m as a friend, not a servant nor a slave.

i have grown apart. i see friends growing spiritually, and i'm happy and jealous at the same time.
i guess it's human nature. wrong, but still human.
i have grown apart. i see friends worrying about petty stuff like studies. i hear friends worrying bout office politics and the pursuit of a higher paying stable income.
i fear i've grown pragmatic. i fear i've grown tired of people taking things far too seriously. i fear i've outgrown the stereotypes of the mainstream. and with this change in mindset, i fear i've begun to despise tertiary education, mine at least.

it's sad, but i've begun to see that most people's problems start from within, including mine. no matter how much time you spend discussing about it, thinking on it, we all end up in a vicious thought cycle, and the epicentre of this brainstorm is ultimately, ourselves.
the problem with humans is, most of us can't live without others. we need attention, we need to know somebody out there cares. we need to know that someone is behind us and ready to catch us should we fall. but the biggest problem in humans is the failure to change.
my mindset has changed, but not me. hence i understand my failings, but refuse to change them.

more and more i find flaws in people, and the problems they complain about leading from that, and i can do nothing about it. and my problem? is that i hate the sense of helplessness. although nowadays, i fear i've grown weary, and apathy is beginning to win the battle of the heart.

so back to friends. it's not that i don't wanna go out for that movie with you. i just don't feel like watching it. not because i dislike said show, i just DON'T wanna. it's not that i don't wanna go out with you to chill and hang out. i just rather not. don't blame me, don't hate me. and in all honesty i say the following, "i do NOT crap up excuses (lie) for not meeting up. even if i do, there's always a pinch of truth with my parent's blessings".

so all that ranting, and it can be summarised as such "sometimes, i just wanna be alone". ka-pish?

there're some people who're currently on the 'IT' list. these are friends that are on priority order. sure, go on, sue me for being an elitist. i'm sorry if you're not in, but i feel an affinity for these people, and if you can't rationalise it, neither can i.
in no order of merit (and withholding real names):
1) the DucK
2) BaaYeE
3) luella
4) E_Jie.
5) SalsaQueen
6) the Archer

i shall entertain no more questions with regards to the extent of our friendship. if you want an updated 'IT' list a year from now, go ahead and google it. for now, this shall suffice.
and you'd be surprised, but i can be a very boring person. so don't cry if you've got nothing to say to me, or me to you. it may surprise you, but silence transcends communication barriers.
isn't it not a wise saying, "absence makes the heart grow fonder"?

What if...

what if a girl came up to you and said "i don't wanna die a virgin.."
or
what if a guy came up to you and said "i don't wanna die a virgin.."
(to whomever it may apply to. i'm nice. i give consideration to the lesbian community, lesbian meaning guys/girls liking the same sex)
what'll you do? would you grant the person's dying wish? assuming he/she is dying, and not from a STD. yeah.. THAT STD. just assuming.
guess what.
i was thinking of that on the way home.. why?
mayb coz i got hit by a dizzy spell and my chest just suddenly felt really really pain -,-'"
(not a heart attack i assure you =p)
but newayz, you guys know i always fear, and yet believe, that i'd die young. funny, coz i dun feel young anymore ROFL
in today's society, how much do YOU value chasity? if you've already lost it, how much do you think it SHOULD be worth?
is it worth bringing to your grave?
where is the romance? what tingles that feeling inside you?
the way he/she looks at you? the feel of his/her palm in yours? the smell of his/her scent? the sound of his/her voice? or is it just the way you feel when you're with that someone?
what if...
what if you sat down all day, just staring at the sky.
what if you dreamed the day away, and someone's there with you, dreaming away.. parallel, different, yet similar. connected, yet apart.
what if..
now, that's special. may not be romance, may be just platonic. may be nothing more than two strangers.. but heh, that's something worth treasuring.
now, if only that were reality.
what if... time slowed down. what if the second hand stopped ticking. what if you could see the water droplets falling from the leaking tap.. and not dropping into the basin? what if.. you could slow time and see everything, capture everything. just a still of life as it is at the moment. not just the looks, but the sound, the smell, the atmosphere, that thought.
what if...
but the world rushes by, and so must i.

p.s. dofus is fun =D
p.p.s. to fgerra. i call myself ash nowadays. amroui's still around somewhere.. but yeah. ash =) a nice guy name =D and i think charity is a cool gal name. *thinks of 风云* =p
p.p.s. be who you wanna be, not who others want you to be.
(unless you're me, who's everybody and nobody at the same time =p i'm a chameleon ^^)
p.p.p.s. check this out http://www.machinima.com/films.php?id=22811 =D sorry. i'm a machinima lover =D

Dofus.. doh!

check this webbie out! http://mmogdata.voig.com/
it's the stats of most, if not all, the MMO games available now =)
and... WoW is the undisputed 1st! ^^
but this ain't about WoW..
this post is about another cutesy game!
lying.. 3rd/5th (can't recall), with 4million subscriptions (yes u read it right. FOUR MILLION. Maplestory is only a few hundred thousand), is dofus!
i'm surprised tho that runescape is 2nd. i noe it's popular tho i've never seen it.. but not THAT popular =p

but! back to dofus =) http://www.dofus.com
the graphics, landscape, gameplay, story, ideals.. it speaketh to me =D
i soooo gotta try this game =) when i have the time ^^
go check it out guys! n if u wanna join me, gimme a buzz pls! i'll definitely dive in to this new world with you! (no dig at GE players. Sword of the New World you may be, but i'm not picking you up =p)

keke. enough bout games. BLOGGED!!
i'm supposed to be sick. back to being sick *feign death*
buh-bye =)

Insurgency: A HalfLife2 mod.

heh.
haven't played it.
but it sounds cool already.
blogged =D
check the rave reviews on gamespy.com =)

Alone

1stly, thank God and the friends He has blessed me with.

and now to go on.
it's nice being alone. being alone at home. the only one at home, at night.
i miss that feeling. n it's gone too soon. parents came home.

i wanna be alone!
hypocritic i noe, considering the 1st statement of this post.
heh. i've never been a guy who thinks straight, now have i?

buh-bye. i need a rest.
Thanks God for that pat on the back/massage/or whatever it was =)
it felt good =)

Lost one

i've come to know myself as a dreamer, and not in a positive way.
more like a bummer.

escapism is my forte. fantasy is my indulgence.
sloth is my vice. imagination, my sanctuary.

i'm different. that's bout the only thing that i like, or at least accept, about me.
i like hating myself. i hate liking myself. but i hate changing myself too. does that imply me liking myself?

i m the type of guy whom society despise, whom ppl detest, whom elites discriminate, whom women scorn. i m the guy who is different, but only just.

i m a dependant of society in an ever-evolving world, inclining towards the independence of the individual over the dependancy of society. yet society itself refuses to budge, refuses to change it's collective perspective: that being independent means being alone, and more importantly, that being alone is a negative connoctation.

i m the guy whose common sense tends to zero. i m a guy of above average IQ, but only just. i'm stuck in no man's land; not smart enough to achieve, not stupid enough to be condemned. i've a mentality likened to those found in ppl whose academic IQ tends to the lower spectrum of the scale. i have the ego of one too. ie. none.
but i've a pride struggling to reinstate itself upon the man whose name is Ambrose.

there's little in the world in which i find joy in. i find joy in inanimate things, things of fantasy, of creation, of fantasy. i find joy in books, games, thoughts, the natural and artifical (man-made) world. i find intrigue in things foreign: a new language, technology, music, mentality. and yet, these things r not of value to society, if value can be judged by the dollar.

if i could run away. if i could be a bum for the rest of my life. but i can't.
i can't because i have obligations to my family.
i can't because i have obligations to my friends.
i can't because i have obligations to myself.

no man was created to waste his life away.
neither was i.
such a pity. the world is an amazing place.
sometimes.
if only the world was a dream.
and the dream were my dream.

i struggle to run from society, but i know i can't, coz i'm not made that way.
but i understand those who do so, those who have done so, and i do not blame them.
i'm a people person, but yet i'm not.

i'm the guy whom ppl turn to when they need entertainment.
when they need a breath of fresh air.
when they want a difference to life that they know it.
but i'm not a person for keeping.
i never asked to be a friend whose relationship is classified as 'nomadic platonic'.
but it's been pushed upon me.
i can never be a best friend. not because i don't want to, but because no one wants to.

meh..

sometimes, there comes a time, when life just turns a dull gray.
nothing has changed, but yet there's something different about it.

Ash