Feels weird, looking through blogs of ex-JC-classmates, then wondering why we were never close..
and then I realise, it's never really the class's fault, nor the "synergy" of the ppl of the class.
it was.. me.
I've never really "clicked" with anyone. Never really let in ppl. Sure I was friendly n occassionally "bubbly", but that's all i ever was: a random artifact hanging about in the class photo. Part of, yet never truly belonging.
I try to think of the times we spend together, n i find myself, more often than not, coming up with blanks. I know my memory IS bad, like.. REAL BAD. but it's shocking how little i remember of my life, at least when it comes to relationships with ppl.
I guess I'm never a ppl person.
Let me try to elaborate. I just said this today, so i guess this deserves a quotation. "Memories define who you are today; your character, the way you behave, everything. If not for the memories of the stupid things you did yesterday (in the past), you'll never be as smart* as you are today."
*smart, being used as a generic term as all things good that u're accomplishin now, be it down to intelligence, capability, glib of tongue, or what not.
the funny thing is, my memories r cluttered with things that i have done, rather than things that happen when i'm with ppl. i guess i m my own "achievement record book", reciting my goods (what little i have) n bads (lots) with relative ease, albeit with little or no historical accuracy.. (i have a bad habit of remembering things different from what they really were. there's a psych term for that i guess.. but i have not a clue.. i "forgot" =,='"
sometimes i want to reach out to the world, then when i do, i wish i hadn't. part of me really wants to be alone, part of me thinks otherwise. i wonder what would have happened if my family and friends have brought me up n influenced me differently.. would i really be an authentic introvert? i know for sure i can never claim to be remotely close to being a loner or an introvert (i sincerely believe there's a difference between the two), but part of me feels as if i might be, if i had a different life experience from the one i've lived.
Saving grace? Soccer. It's the one constant i've had since primary4, and one i've no regrets. I love the game. Playing it, watching it, analysing it, thinking about it. The only problem i have with it? I can't play it alone... ...
F I N
Labels: ACJC, alone, bonding, friendships, relationships, school life, soccer
