JC Class Bonding

Feels weird, looking through blogs of ex-JC-classmates, then wondering why we were never close..
and then I realise, it's never really the class's fault, nor the "synergy" of the ppl of the class.
it was.. me.
I've never really "clicked" with anyone. Never really let in ppl. Sure I was friendly n occassionally "bubbly", but that's all i ever was: a random artifact hanging about in the class photo. Part of, yet never truly belonging.
I try to think of the times we spend together, n i find myself, more often than not, coming up with blanks. I know my memory IS bad, like.. REAL BAD. but it's shocking how little i remember of my life, at least when it comes to relationships with ppl.
I guess I'm never a ppl person.
Let me try to elaborate. I just said this today, so i guess this deserves a quotation. "Memories define who you are today; your character, the way you behave, everything. If not for the memories of the stupid things you did yesterday (in the past), you'll never be as smart* as you are today."
*smart, being used as a generic term as all things good that u're accomplishin now, be it down to intelligence, capability, glib of tongue, or what not.
the funny thing is, my memories r cluttered with things that i have done, rather than things that happen when i'm with ppl. i guess i m my own "achievement record book", reciting my goods (what little i have) n bads (lots) with relative ease, albeit with little or no historical accuracy.. (i have a bad habit of remembering things different from what they really were. there's a psych term for that i guess.. but i have not a clue.. i "forgot" =,='"
sometimes i want to reach out to the world, then when i do, i wish i hadn't. part of me really wants to be alone, part of me thinks otherwise. i wonder what would have happened if my family and friends have brought me up n influenced me differently.. would i really be an authentic introvert? i know for sure i can never claim to be remotely close to being a loner or an introvert (i sincerely believe there's a difference between the two), but part of me feels as if i might be, if i had a different life experience from the one i've lived.
Saving grace? Soccer. It's the one constant i've had since primary4, and one i've no regrets. I love the game. Playing it, watching it, analysing it, thinking about it. The only problem i have with it? I can't play it alone... ...

F I N

it's that time of the year...

it's that time of the year!
yup folks, it's time for me to beat the race against the clock! to pass my IPPT b4 my birthday; to hopefully get a gold; to run faster for 2.4km.
today's results:
Sit-up. 40. 5pts.
S.B.J. 243cm. 5pts.
Chin Up. 8. 3pts.
4x10m. 9.9s. 5pts.
2.4km. Fallout.
heh. yeah i fell out after the 5th lap. was walking for most of the 5th lap, n probably half of 4th lap too! can't seem to keep the pace after the 1km mark.. i need training. i wanna blame it on the numbness i felt in my arms after doin pull ups (just before the 2.4km run) but i think i only have my lack of fitness to blame ultimately. could feel stitches creeping in barely after finishing the 1st lap.. (fyi, did my IPPT at Khatib, so 2.4km was conducted on a running track. it's been ages since i ran on one.)

mood swings? oh right. mood swings. nothing much. just constantly tired, with bursts of hyper-activity. usually cheerful, mostly irritable, sometimes moody, occasionally angry, and rarely down (gloomy).
i do feel like being alone though. but i don't wanna at the same time. so many things to do. no one to do them with, no time to do them, no will to do them. i feel on a different wavelength from everyone. weird. heh.

i hate crowds. mayb it's coz of the physical constraint. mayb it's coz i'm mildly claustrophobic. maybe it's coz i hate the stench. maybe it's coz i tend to initiate hyperventilate1.01 whenever my personal space is being constricted.
or maybe i'm juz a very proud egoistical person. (huh? what does pride got to do with this?) well, i dislike the insignificance of being in a crowd. alone, in wide open spaces, the focus is inward; the focus is me. despite my self-hate, i'm probably quite a narcist. that explains my super ego at things that i do relatively well at (with respect to my other skills or other people). i'm a disgusting character, so you should all go away. yeah. stay away =p haha. :)

newayz after IPPT, stoned on uber long train ride home. i took a long detour n juz stoned.. listening to my mp3s.. drifting away. i think that sums up my life. a drifter. bum. stoner. well, not as well as ben does it. he's the pro of stoning ha. i like to share too much =,='" i'm home now, n i shd b getting some work done. that's all for now. tata.

==EnD==

The two things that you should never waste time on.
1) Feeling sorry for yourself. It gets you nowhere.
2) Unreciprocated grudge. Worse than unreciprocated love, this is an emotion that'll eat you up from inside. Hate and anger is the worst possible combination, and in this you find both. It's pointless because most of the time, there's no logical explanation for such a feeling, and you'll rarely find a rational excuse to continue bearing that grudge. (The target of your grudge will go "huh? he hates me?". Chew on that)

Love
Ambrose
Self-declared Guru in need of help