Pseudo-loner

You've heard of the Columbia High massacre.
You've heard of the suicide bombers.
You've heard of the walking timebombs.
You've heard them being labelled loners.
You've heard WRONG.

They're pseudoloners. People casted out of society. OUTCASTS. People who've been rejected. And in their inability to acquire what by right is in their nature of being, ie acceptance by society, they've turned to acting as a loner; in being unable to gain acceptance, they in turn decide to exact revenge by destroying the very thing they seek. Hence the massacre. Hence the psychokillings.

Some people just prefer being alone. They don't get depressed by it, they feel liberated.
I'm not one of them. Sure I HATE crowds, but that doesn't mean I dislike company. Sure I prefer being alone most of the time; doesn't mean I like being alone all the time. I enjoy acceptance, I have friendships, and yet time and again I shoot myself in my foot.
Everytime I draw closer, I push away. It's not that I hate people, it's because I hate myself.
The fact that I can never enter a close and lasting relationship with any individual stems from my self-condemnation, my self-hate, and the anger that's provoked by that hate.
It's a self-perpetuating cycle. I know it, I hate it, and I can't run away from it. It's a lethal addiction. It's a safety net. It's the fort I've built to defend myself. From me..

I claim to not understand myself. Perhaps it's not my inability to comprehend myself, nor is it me not taking the time to judge myself. Maybe it's me, too scared to admit, too scared to change, too scared to face, what I really am. The demon that is me. The other side of me.

Is it innate, that some people conform to society, while others rebel? Why is it, that some people seek the shelter of conformity, while others shoot down conformity like a rabid dog? In rebelling, some are labelled brave, innovative, creative; while others yet are labelled psychotic, murderers, delinquents.
Aren't I not like that? Not liking what I've been stuck with, I rebelled against the system that I existed in. I chose a life of "slackhood", and departed from the norm of "muggerism". I took a liking for a genre of music most people loathe. I revelled in my label as an outcast.

Am I becoming what I loathe? Is it only now, that reality comes crashing down, that I've become sober from the high of adolesence? Why the sudden craze to study, and study hard? Nay. It's not that I'm "coming to my senses" (as society decrees). If I am, I wouldn't be publicising my change.
Nay. It's just that my rebellion has come full-circle, and now, I'm hell-bent on rebelling the very label I've forged. Will I succeed?
Or am I too addicted, too distracted, by my life of old? Am I like the boulder in the river, ever steady, refusing to budge; till one day, the wear and tear on me, as on the boulder, grow too great a burden to bear, and with the current i'm swept away, a pebble in the myraid of particles washed away by the currents of the river, the currents of time... forever lost.

My blog. My sanctuary. The window to me. The essence of me. Tinted and warped by my subjective presentation. My billboard to the world. I seek the comfort of hearing my own voice. And grow to hate it ever more.
And so ends the 122nd post of my blog. Hur-rah.. hur-rah.. and the world celebrates, the world of one. Me.

Gotta hate my self-centredness =p
Ambrose

p.s. disclaimer: this post may/may not be true. it is, however, heavily dramatised.
p.p.s. to prevent plagarism, i'd like to quote the following book(s) as sources of inspiration
Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto by Anneli Rufus
any psychology materials that i've come across in the past few days of my life.